Karma stings.

So I lay in bed every night thinking of life. My life. How it 'could have been'. We can make plans for it. But most of the time,things doesn't really fall perfectly into place. And I want it to fall into place. I do not need it to be perfect but just go as planned you know? I cannot find the words to describe how I've been feeling everyday and night. I just know that my life is a mundane routine and one thing for sure I know I'm feeling is exhaustion. Things can never be the same again. Sometimes I just wish I can start this life from scratch. But then again,I am thankful for He has granted me with the strength I need to carry on. I won't say I am completely happy. But I am happy. But it doesn't feel complete. Why do I have to suffer so much at such a young age? Why do I have to be so independent and responsible now? While a lot others get instructions and guides from everywhere,everyone. I am not blaming. I am just... envious and bitter and despondent with my life. So many important decisions have to be made by me. I make my own instructions and I guide myself. I try to be on the safe side of life. No negativities no jealousy no dependency. I have been living with that. It seems to me that people are letting go almost too easily. Is it that hard to stay and give me the support and strength I need? I just want to make my life matter. I want to make it worth living. I've learned to mould myself in a way that I won't and will not be involved in little arguments or misunderstandings with the people around me. But even if that happens,I am too tired to solve it or make things better. This is what I have become. I always remind myself "let it be" and letting it be,I will. Whatever 'it' may be. Sometimes I feel that this tough shell have been tough for too long that only I see it as a form of weakness. Too much weakness. But I am not strong enough to break through it.